The psychological effects of vitiligo vary from one person to another. For me, they were profound and changed me from a confident person into a self-conscious one.
With the benefit of hindsight, I think most of my concerns about how others might see me were unfounded because I have always had plenty of friends. All my life people have given me every indication that they find me pleasant looking and quite outgoing. And that is the person I believe I have always been at heart. On one level I know this. But on another level it’s as if having this progressively disfiguring condition has gradually eroded my natural happy, outgoing attractive personality. And, as a result, I have spent decades trying to preserve an outward image that I felt was increasingly at odds with the reality.
A “portrait in the attic” psychology
I felt a bit like Oscar Wilde’s sinister character Dorian Gray. Everyone saw a happy, healthy person in a normal skin. But I knew that there was a portrait in the attic that had ugly white patches gradually spreading all over it, eating away at any remaining likeness of the person I really was and undermining my very identity. (I know it’s melodramatic but it’s the kind of thought that goes through your mind when you have vitiligo.)
During this time I had a career which involved a lot of public speaking and presentations to large groups. So, within my industry I had quite a high profile and a fair amount of stress. This (plus the nature of my work which was in beauty, make-up and image) created additional pressure to look good. So I felt I had to conceal my vitiligo at all costs.
The effects of questions like,”Did you know you’ve got white eye lashes?”
Ever since kids in the playground innocently used to ask “did you know you’ve got white eye lashes?” (as if I wouldn’t know!) and years later – on the one and only occasion I ever sat out in the sun with no make-up on, because I just wanted to feel normal and carefree – a friend asked “why does your face go so blotchy in the sun?”, I have had an absolute dread of having to explain my vitiligo. So the simplest solution has always been to cover it up and try not to think about it. It was only on reaching the grand old age of 50 and beginning to re-pigment fast – with nutritional supplements and UVB – that I felt able (hesitantly) to admit to having the condition and talk about it… hence this website.