Last Updated on 18th December 2023 by Caroline Haye
Don’t let anxiety spoil the celebrations
From one new year to the next life is full of celebrations. Whether it’s Christmas, Easter, Diwali, Ramadan or Hanukkah, there are always wonderful reasons for people to get together. And that’s before you even factor in birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, retirements, and all manner of other great excuses for a party. On top of which, who said we even have to have a reason to celebrate? Every sociable group activity, from pub quizzes to choir practice, yoga class to football matches, can turn into a celebration.
These are all occasions that we look forward to and enjoy… Unless, of course, something we experience at such events makes us feel uncomfortable. Something, for example, that we take with us wherever we go. Like our own skin, maybe. If this sounds at all familiar, then I hope that the following paragraphs will inspire you to reevaluate your vitiligo and your social life, help you feel comfortable in your own skin and ensure your vitiligo does not turn you into a party pooper.
There’s no point in fretting over what other people think
I am not a therapist or self-help guru. Nor am I a psychologist or doctor of any kind. I’m just someone who lived in a state of vitiligo-fuelled social anxiety for a large portion of my life… Which is far too long to have fretted over what other people might think of me. The truth, of course, is that they weren’t thinking about me very much, if at all. I’m sure they were a lot more interested in their own problems than they would have been in mine.
Despite my worst efforts, this truth, and sundry other nuggets of basic common sense, finally succeeded in worming their way into my dense skull over the years. And it is a few of these insights that I would like to share with you now. (For more expert advice on overcoming social anxiety I recommend searching authority websites or consulting a specialist professional practitioner. And I also recommend joining social media or offline networks where you can share your experiences with vitiligo friends. Very often, the best advice comes from those who have gone through the same struggles as you and triumphed.
I may have left it too long to benefit fully myself from these truths I’m about to share. But I hope that I may be in time to spare someone else the pain of learning them from scratch. Better still, I hope that many readers will already have learned them earlier in their vitiligo journey than I ever did.
You have a personality, a will and a brain. Vitiligo doesn’t.
I didn’t realise it at the time, of course, but every time I turned down an invitation or found some excuse to avoid social interactions that threatened to expose my patchy pigment I was letting vitiligo make my decisions for me. In effect, I was allowing a dumb chemical process in my epidermis to override my personality, my passions and my quality of life. I was subordinating my spontaneity, talents and enjoyment to the (perceived) demands of a bunch of tiny, faulty cells called melanocytes.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am the last person to make light of the psychological impact of vitiligo (or any other visible difference). So I’m not trying to minimise this by offering well-meaning platitudes. I’m just stating facts… Facts that, at the time, I was too distracted by my feelings to face. But maybe you can see the truth in them where I couldn’t. Maybe you can calmly ask yourself this question. Who gets to decide what my social life is like: me or my vitiligo?
What would you do if vitiligo had no power over you?
“What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail” is one of those well-worn quotes that appear on inspirational posters and fridge magnets. In fact, the saying is so familiar that it would be easy to dismiss it as a cliché. But it’s a seriously good question to ask yourself in all sorts of situations. If only because it helps you to face up to whatever might be holding you back from the life you would ideally like to live.
“What would you do if vitiligo had no power over you?” is a question worth considering. And your answers – if you can emotionally put your white patches to one side for long enough to give the question some honest thought – might surprise you. It might even shock you into acknowledging how far you have compromised. How much you have put on hold. How many dreams, projects or pleasures you have sacrificed on the altar of your poor, misunderstood, confused pigment.
Decide what you enjoy doing, then find a way you can do it
The fact is that if you spend too much time and energy avoiding situations that you think will make you uncomfortable, you won’t have any left for positive thoughts and actions… Like deciding what you really want to do in your social time. Enjoying planning it. And then doing it. Trying new things. Being with people you like, and doing fun stuff.
It’s not that I think everyone could, or should, embrace their vitiligo and show it off. If you were completely comfortable with doing that you would probably not be reading this blog. But I am suggesting that the best starting point in overcoming social anxiety about your skin is to take stock of what you would ideally like your social life to be like. Then work towards that ideal… taking baby steps if necessary.
Rediscover the real you
Pushing yourself just a little bit beyond your comfort zone each time you feel tempted to retreat into your shell is empowering. Even just pretending to be more outgoing than you feel can be liberating. In fact, some of the best parties I ever attended were those I dreaded but then consciously decided I was going to enjoy… Which just goes to show that you really can fake it till you make it. And, before you know it, you aren’t faking it at all. You are simply relaxing and redicovering the real you.
Vitiligo is just one of many concerns that can cause people to become socially isolated or anxious. Some individuals go so far as to avoid virtually all social situations. Others drift into a limited sphere of activities and relationships without ever asking themselves if they would have chosen these, had circumstances been different.
If you find yourself in one of these categories why not take stock and adjust your social life to fit your interests and your personality (the real one, not the vitiligo one)? After all, the things you choose to do in your spare time, and the people you choose to do them with, are a large part of who you are as a person. And surely these are the things that really make life worth living.
Why you owe it to yourself and others to overcome your social anxiety
The key point I want to share in this post boils down to this… Socialising is only enjoyable when everyone involved is relaxed and being themselves. The best gift any of us can give another person in a social situation is a slice of our real self. A glimpse of who we are inside. And whether hiding your vitiligo or letting it show makes this more comfortable for you is a personal choice. Some people feel their white spots are an unwanted distraction from who they really are. Others see them as an intrinsic part of their identity. The main thing is not to allow your vitiligo to call the shots. You owe it to yourself to make your own determinations as to what you do with your time. And you owe it to others to let your authentic self shine through.
After all, why should random clusters of fragile pigment (as I prefer to think of vitiligo) stand between you and the people you like or the activities you enjoy? So, if using camouflage gives you confidence, great. Or if coming out of the vitiligo closet would set you free, fine. Whatever adjustments you need to make to ensure you have the social life you deserve, I say just make it happen. If you don’t, you risk turning social aversion into a permanent disability. And this would rob you, and others too, of the joys of human connection, fun, camaraderie and so much more besides.
